How to stay together

And how to call it quits – relationship advice from a divorce lawyer

You wouldn’t expect a divorce lawyer to give relationship advice. After all, it’s in our (professional) interests for marriages to fail. But the truth is…we don’t want couples to divorce. Nothing makes us happier than when a client withdraws from divorce proceedings because they’ve decided to work on their marriage. Family lawyers will always have work because marriages will break down. The fact that the divorce rate is higher today than it was in generations past is due to a society that is more accepting of divorce and does not force miserable couples to stay in loveless marriages or stay together “for the sake of the children” (who never benefit from an unhappy home environment). It is not because marriage is taken less seriously. The majority of couples marry with the intention of growing old together. It is truly sad when they find themselves knocking at our door. However, the exposure we have to divorce and the myriad of reasons behind it gives us some insight into what makes a relationship, especially a marriage, work. And it starts long before the wedding ceremony.

Attraction vs. compatibility

Romantic attraction is often pitted against compatibility as if the two were mutually exclusive. Parents will always encourage their sons and daughters to seek a partner based on certain qualities, usually associated with stability, reasonableness, career success, selflessness, and kindness. Young people in the dating market, by contrast, are waiting to fall in love. They’re looking for “the one”. When they find “the one”, they are often oblivious to personality flaws or complete incompatibility. They may even find their partner’s irritating habits quirky or endearing. Five years down the line, those same habits will invoke howls of annoyance or tears of frustration. The truth is that a good relationship needs both attraction…a “spark”…and like-mindedness. Whatever your priorities are in a partner, be aware of them and seek them out. Marriage is not a business relationship; you do need that spark. But if family time is important to you and the person you fancy likes to spend all weekend on a bicycle or a golf course, you may very quickly clash over how you spend your leisure time. 

Talk about things

Of course, in the heady early days of a relationship, you may both compromise your own interests in the pursuit of time together. When you fall in love, you can’t get enough of each other, so those golf or cycle buddies may come a distant second in the contest for your attention. But sooner or later normal life will re-assert itself. It can come as a shock if you haven’t discussed these matters. You may feel it’s too early to have awkward “relationship” discussions. But if you wait until things get serious and then find out you have a major conflict, it can lead to hurt – either now or, worse, later. There is no harm in having conversations about the things that matter in life – whether to have children or not, how many to have, when to start a family, where to live, what religious observances to keep. It is possible to discuss these issues hypothetically, or in general terms, if you don’t feel you’re ready to make the conversation personal. But if you’re at an age or life stage where dates are potential life partners, failure to get these big life issues out in the open is a recipe for future disaster.

Know that relationships change

When you fall in love, you can’t imagine ever feeling differently. Whatever evidence of relationship breakdown you witness around you, you think yours is different. We knew a young teenage couple who were distraught when one parent suggested they might not be together forever. They were so smitten by young love they couldn’t imagine it ever ending. Needless to say, as adults they both married other partners (and one is now divorced!). Adults have the capacity to manage growth in a way that teenagers do not. As you grow and mature, you will have to renegotiate aspects of your relationship. You may also have to face unpleasant realities about your partner, like those endearing quirks turning into daily aggravations. It’s also likely that your respective careers will not follow an identical path. You may both be working flat out, with little time for each other, but one is succeeding and the other is struggling, leading to resentment or jealousy. Or you may have peaks and troughs in the time you have to spend at work that don’t dovetail, creating antagonism. Clear communication, along with an awareness and acceptance of this inevitability, is the key to navigating growth together and avoiding titanic clashes or simmering, festering rancour.

Marriage is teamwork

Ultimately, a married couple is a team. They are not just two people who fancy each other and save costs by living together. And being part of a team means sometimes “taking one for the team”. It means putting the team’s wellbeing before individual desires. A couples therapist describes the marital team as a “threesome”, in other words two individuals come together to create something greater than the sum of the parts. And teams that never practise together don’t win on the pitch. You need to spend time together, not just as a family (if you have children)…though that is important…but as a couple. If you don’t prioritise time to nurture your threesome, you will drift apart. And, outside of infidelity, growing apart is the most common reason for divorce. But it is not inevitable. You just have to work at it.

Marriage is hard work

Even if you do all these things – communicate, prioritise the team, go on date nights – there will be times when your marriage is not happy, when it feels like hard work. This is normal. Marriage IS hard work. Successful, healthy relationships don’t just happen. They work because each member of the team puts in the effort, through tough times and good. Small children, career issues, money problems – these can all put pressure on a marriage. If working through these challenges is causing undue strain, it can help to seek relationship advice from a counsellor or therapist, either as individuals or as a couple. Couples counselling tends to be more effective, but if one spouse adamantly refuses, individual therapy can still be useful.

If all else fails…

If you reach the end of the line and both agree that the time has come to sever your ties, do so with respect and grace. You are divorcing someone you once cared deeply for, and probably still do on some level. If you have children, their lives are about to be turned upside down. The process will be much more difficult for them if they witness their parents at each other’s throats. Unless your partner has been dishonest or fraudulent, you should be able to discuss matters reasonably and reach agreement without resorting to litigation. As family lawyers, we strongly encourage couples to divorce with dignity and avoid acrimony. If you find it too challenging or painful to discuss the distribution of assets and child care responsibilities alone together, a mediator can help you reach agreement without going to court.

Walk away with your head held high and your partner’s self-respect intact, and you will ensure a less painful outcome to your divorce, a smoother start to the next phase of your life, and a greater likelihood of wellbeing and happiness for your children. 

Seek professional advice

At Simon Dippenaar and Associates Inc., we are experts in family and divorce law. Based in the metros of Cape Town, Johannesburg and Durban, we have deep experience of working with clients from diverse backgrounds who are divorcing for a multitude of reasons. We treat all parties with sensitivity and always put children first. If you want to save your marriage, call a couples therapist. But if you have made the decision to divorce and want to discuss your options, call Simon on 086 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

Further reading:

• Emotional intelligence in child care and contact matters
• Effective divorce communication and litigation
• Divorcing with dignity

Divorce Attorney Cape Town

http://divorceattorneycapetown.co.za/

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