Blog | Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Parental Alienation and the Child

Posted on May 18, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Deliberate parental alienation harms the child more than the parent

Source: SDLAW

When divorcing or divorced parents engage in tactics that give rise to parental alienation, the individual who suffers the most is the child. It may be tempting for an aggrieved parent suffering through an acrimonious divorce to want to portray the other parent in the worst possible light. Hurt and anger can cause a parent to denigrate the partner in front of the child, causing parental alienation or its more severe sibling, Parental Alienation Syndrome. If one parent feels isolated and betrayed, it’s a natural response to want the child or children “on side”. However, whether the other parent deserves the label of villain or not, this behaviour is extremely harmful to the mental health of the child.

A parent-child pair experiencing parental alienation can rebuild a trusting relationship. It takes time and patience but is important for mental wellbeing.

No one is innocent – except the child

According to Cafcass, the UK’s Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, parental alienation is rarely one-directional, i.e. aimed at one parent by the other. More commonly, it is a complex set of behaviours that may impact on every transaction within the family. The post-separation environment is a high-conflict zone. Rarely is one parent entirely the victim and the other solely the perpetrator of emotional punishment. When parents are at war, the child becomes collateral damage.

Impact of parental alienation on a child

Parental alienation is emotional child abuse and should be treated as seriously as any other form of abuse. Despite this, it is often not recognised or acknowledged in child custody disputes. The alienated child often feels insecure, anxious and overwhelmed, experiencing feelings of guilt and confusion.

The alienated child may be confused as to the adult-child role, particularly if they are older, i.e. pre-teen or teenage. Triangulation, the emotional manipulation of the child to create an emotional partner, is a common feature of parental alienation. In this scenario the child feels responsible and obliged to step in and protect and care for the victim-parent. The child is robbed of the ability to form trust (the cornerstone of relationships) in intimate relationships and lacks confidence in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. The child may also display clinging behaviour and separation anxiety. They may develop anxiety and have poor peer relationships and other mental health issues. The alienated child suffers from a loss of a sense of self and is placed within a situation that is emotionally beyond their coping ability.

Anyone working with the child or the family should be alert to these symptoms and prepared to step in.

What can be done?

As per the philosophy behind the Children’s Act, the interests of the alienated child must come first. Whether parent, grandparent, caregiver or professional mediator, anyone playing a role in the child’s life must view every family interaction through the lens of the child. The focus should be firmly on the alienated child and the factors that have contributed to the alienation. Then it is critical that steps are taken to rectify the situation. There is no evidence to show that waiting for alienation to resolve itself is effective, nor should children be allowed to decide which parent they should live with.

Rebuilding trust step by step

There are many instances of adults who were permanently alienated from one parent as children and have suffered life-long emotional consequences. To prevent this long-term outcome, there are ways to rebuild trust and re-establish a loving parental relationship. The child and alienated parent need to be assisted in the process of re-attachment, which must be sensitively phased and take account of the child’s developmental level, maturity and emotional resilience.

Here in South Africa and in other countries there are various psycho-educational and family therapy programmes that attempt to help severely alienated children of divorce rebuild the damaged relationship with the alienated parent. These programmes aim:

To initiate contact between the alienated parent and child
To provide psycho-educational training to the parents
To develop child-focused parental involvement
To re-establish reality and correct distorted perceptions of the self, both by the child and by the parents
To relieve the burden on the child and distance them from the conflict of loyalties between the parents
To rebuild the fractured emotional relationship by creating new shared experiences in a structured, safe and relaxed environment
To restore communication
To improve conflict management and family dynamics

Through these programmes children re-learn a healthy and balanced view of both parents and gradually renewed and happy parent-child relationships can develop. But it takes time. However hard it may be, the alienated parent must be patient.

Is this you?

Have you experienced parental alienation? Are you estranged from your child or is your contact with your child traumatic due to symptoms of parental alienation? Cape Town Divorce Attorneys, Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. is an established Cape Town law firm with extensive expertise in divorce and family law. We will ensure your legal rights are upheld and can link you to the appropriate support that will enable you to restore your relationship with your child.

Cape Town Attorneys and Lawyers, Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. has a reputation for empathy and professionalism, with a personal touch. We will listen to you and help you find a solution that is in the best interests of all parties – most importantly the child.

Call Simon on 086 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

Read what satisfied clients have to say about Simon Dippenaar & Associates, Inc.

Further reading:

REEVA STEENKAMP FOUNDATION ENDORSEMENT  “On behalf of all abused woman and children The Reeva Rebecca Steenkamp Foundation would like to thank Simon Dippenaar from SD Law South Africa for going beyond and assisting our client with a very difficult case. Family Law requires a very special person, just being a good lawyer is not enough.”

Posted in Parental Alienation Syndrome | Tagged child care and contact, divorce, parental alienation | Comments Off

Six Key Disqualifiers for Divorce Mediation

Posted on May 10, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Which Path is Best for Your Divorce?

The word is spreading over coffee cups and in the carpool lane: if you can handle your divorce through a mediator, you’ll avoid a great deal of drama, almost certainly end up with a fair and equitable settlement, and pay a fraction of the cost.

But in my practice as a certified divorce mediator, I’ve seen at least six situations that tell me my would-be clients won’t be settling with me. I advise these couples that it’s time to give up the dream of negotiating a simple, low-cost divorce; instead they need lawyers.

Domestic violence

I don’t work with couples when one is physically abusing the other. Mediation requires both participants to sit down together and be clear about what they think is fair. If honesty in my office is going to result in physical retribution at home, then both parties need the protection of lawyers, and possibly a protective order.

Child abuse

Divorce mediators in most (if not all) states are “mandated reporters”. That means that even an unprovable allegation of child abuse must be reported to the authorities. If I hear that a child might be in an abuse situation, my neutrality ends. Once that happens, I cannot effectively mediate a divorce case. It’s best to go straight to the divorce lawyers in those situations.

Belief that a spouse is hiding money

When one partner has always had control of the finances, the other can be left wondering what they don’t know. However, being uncertain is not the same as a strong suspicion that one spouse is hiding funds. If you’re simply not sure of the finances, you can certainly benefit from divorce mediation. If you think you’re going to need a forensic CPA to comb through your records in a quest to uncover hidden money, you’ll be better off with a divorce lawyer.

Refusal to get divorced

Sometimes I come across couples in which one person simply refuses to participate in any conversations related to divorce. This can be for religious reasons or simply an inability to face a painful reality. However, when one person is simply stalled by the fear of an uncertain future, that is fairly common and divorce mediation can be a great benefit in helping that spouse overcome his or her fears.

Unwilling to even consider compromise

When divorce is particularly painful, one spouse may react by making the divorce as challenging as possible for the other. That makes the reasoned and thoughtful discussions I have with my clients very difficult. Often the spouse in pain seeks out the most shark-like divorce lawyer (regardless of the thousands of dollars that will drain from any possible settlement) in order to exact retribution. Mediation works best when fairness and thoughtful decision-making are the goal.

Inability to tell the truth

Lies and half-truths are common between divorcing couples. It’s not usually a case of compulsive lying; rather, most lies are rooted in the impossible desire to lessen the pain of divorce. It never works; lies simply make a divorce more painful – but we are all only human. Still, if one partner is incapable (for whatever reason) of telling the truth, then mediation – which requires honesty – will not be successful.

Many clients are surprised by the conditions that are not automatically disqualifiers. I regularly work with clients who have mental illness, personality disorders, substance abuse problems, porn addiction, and repeated infidelities. In fact, people with these problems account for a large percentage of my successful divorce mediations. This makes sense considering it is these very issues which are often the cause of the divorce in the first place.

All I need for a successful mediated divorce settlement is a couple who can sit at my conference table, for two or three visits, with a willingness to listen, compromise and with the desire to get through the pain and move on to a happier, better adjusted future.

[…]

Source: THRIVEGLOBAL (emphasis by SDLAW*)

*Cape Town Divorce Attorneys, Simon Dippenaar & Associates, Inc., is a law firm of Cape Town Lawyers specialising in divorce and family law matters. For help, contact us on +27 (0) 86 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

Additional reading:

Posted in Divorce mediation | Tagged belief that a spouse is hiding money, child abuse, divorce mediation, domestic violence, refusal to get divorced | Comments Off

How to Navigate Divorce in Families With Special Needs

Posted on May 2, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Families with special needs face a unique set of challenges, and experts say coping starts with communication.

Families with special needs children face a unique set of emotional and financial challenges that range from difficult and expensive to significantly life-altering. Due to the unique stressors, these families are at a higher risk for divorce and then face the dismantling of the family structure, further compounding the day-to-day difficulties for the parents and the children.

What does it mean to have children with special needs?

“A divorce involving a child with special needs means that a child has special challenges, which can run the gamut. In a divorce, we most often think of children with special needs as children who require a higher level of support from their parents — a child with autism spectrum disorder, Down syndrome, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, addiction issues as well as physical disabilities such as diabetes, hearing loss, and a range of mild to severe physical limitations,” says New York family law attorney, Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, with Warshaw Burstein, who often represents a parent with special needs children in divorce. These families are faced with the responsibility to seek expert diagnosis, treatment protocols, school support, and a financial plan to manage their new reality, but often the relationship collapses under the pressure.

“Divorce with special needs children goes one of two ways”

“The divorce process for families with special needs goes one of two ways,” says Jacobi-Parisi. “When the parents are in agreement about the diagnosis, the care, and treatment of the child, then you have a less contentious divorce, one in which the parents will put their disputes to the side to save money and energy for their child’s current and long-term needs. But often, one parent agrees with the diagnosis and treatment while the other parent mitigates, disputes or denies it, creating significant conflict and it is a totally different divorce. It is expensive, exhausting and terribly sad.”

Parenting a special needs child completely shifts the day-to-day routine for an intact family, along with significant financial implications. As a result, there are often very specific roles that divorce then challenges in a potentially explosive way. “In a family with special needs children, one parent frequently steps forward to be the primary caregiver because there is just too much information, so when divorce happens there can be a reluctance to share information”, says Merriam Saunders, LMFT, a California licensed therapist in private practice who consults parents with special needs children. She is also a columnist for ADDitude Magazine and the author of a children’s book on ADHD, My Whirling, Twirling Motor.

“There can also be a general sense that the parent who held a lesser role in caretaking while earning the money, couldn’t possibly know how to care for the child,” says Saunders and this contributes to it evolving into a larger custody battle. Early intervention and treatment are often in the child’s best interest, so when there are cases in which one parent is the architect of the care, they should be able to move forward when a decision needs to be made swiftly, “however that does not mean the other parent should be locked out” says Jacobi-Parisi. “Lawyers who better understand all of the nuances of the legal, financial, schedule, and interpersonal dynamics can better guide and structure settlements and when absolutely necessary, provide litigation strategies to meet the family’s challenges.”

How can we better support divorcing families with special needs ?

While we have great compassion for families dealing with different kinds of special needs, we are often unaware of the complex emotional issues faced by the parents. “They often feel like a failure because their child isn’t typical, and then they will feel guilty for feeling that. These are shaming emotions, so they might not talk about it much, and they may feel like an inadequate parent. Then they may think ‘I couldn’t keep my marriage together, so I really am a failure.’” says Saunders. Seeking counseling from a parenting expert in this field provides insight and support unique to both parents’ perspectives and day-to-day burdens.

The workplace and our communities can be unaware of what families need during this time. “People who are working full-time, have children with special needs and are getting a divorce really need extra support. More awareness of the day-to-day difficulties with divorce would go a long way to support these families,” says Jacobi-Parisi, who is also the parent of children with challenges and is quick to point out that she and her husband are on the same page.

Parenting is a privilege and it is devastating when divorce challenges our simple ability to be with and care for our children. In special needs cases, the pressures and worry can be even more highly charged. As with all aspects of divorce, adopting a longer-term view and putting the needs of our children ahead of our own needs, while easier said than done, will reduce stress and conserve resources.

Whenever possible, psychoeducation for the parents about what the child is experiencing and how two parents can learn to co-parent while disagreeing about each other’s ability to care for the child is an opportunity to minimize the legal fight and focus the finances and time on the family dynamic and needs. “Therapists are a lot less expensive than lawyers,” adds Saunders.

[…]

Source: THRIVEGLOBAL (emphasis by SDLAW*)

*Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. (SDLAW) is a law firm in Cape Town (and now in Gauteng) with specialised Cape Town divorce attorneys and family lawyers. Contact Cape Town Attorney Simon on +27 (0) 86 099 5146 or info@sdlaw.co.za and her or one of our Cape Town divorce attorneys will contact you back.

Further reading:

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The financial impact of marriage and divorce

Posted on Apr 30, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Marry with your heart and your head. You are in love and completely infatuated, but you still need to think about this without emotion.

People think that marriage is forever, but unfortunately for one out of every two people, it’s not the case. Plan for the worst, and this doesn’t only mean for divorce; what if one of your businesses fails or one of you incurs major debt?

Finances marriage divorce - divorce attorney, family lawyer Cape Town

Plan for the worst, and this doesn’t only mean for divorce; what if one of your businesses fails or one of you incurs major debt? Photo: Pixabay

If you don’t think with your head about the finances in your marriage, the implications can be far-reaching. For example, if you don’t sign a prenuptial contract before the wedding, you’re automatically married in community of property. This means that if one partner’s business goes belly-up, you’re just as responsible for the debt as they are.

Don’t let emotions derail your planning. Money matters are just one of the blocks that you must tick. See a lawyer for your prenuptial contract. There are various options when it comes to marriage contracts – choose what is right for both of you.

Learn to talk about money. The road to the pulpit may be short, but the journey with your partner isn’t. Make sure that you start off on the right foot by being honest about money matters, even before the marriage.

If you can’t talk and agree about the difficult things before the marriage, how will it work after you get married? Both of you must play an active role in money matters. You’re investing in your future when you talk about it and make decisions together. When you talk about your finances it doesn’t mean you don’t trust each other, but rather that you’re a team that talks about everything and can trust each other.

Plan so that you can afford your wedding. Beware of social pressure that leads to spending too much money on the perfect ring or perfect wedding day. The expectations for weddings can be massive, but think carefully before you try to make your dream wedding come true and you find yourself in a debt nightmare. After the honeymoon there’ll be other expenses, like setting up a house and raising kids. Don’t put yourself at a disadvantage.

Your marital status influences your money matters. Did you know that married couples pay less for short-term insurance? It’s also cheaper to be on one medical aid and married couples generally also get tax benefits. Understand the full impact on your finances, and adjust your combined financial plans accordingly.

Only one thing is more expensive than getting married – getting divorced.

You don’t want to think about it, but if you should decide to get divorced, it’s very important to be realistic about how expensive it is. It starts with lawyer’s fees, and then it’s goes on to the costs of two households, moving, and both having to start another home from scratch.

Whatever your scenario, be realistic, determine how much it’ll cost you to get a divorce and adjust your financial plan accordingly.

In summary:

1. Get married with jour heart and your head.

2. Learn to talk about money.

3. Plan so that you can afford your wedding.

4. Your marital status influences your money matters.

5. Getting divorced isn’t cheap – plan realistically.

Jeanette Marais is Deputy Chief Executive at MMI Holdings. This article was supplied by MMI.

Source: BUSINESS REPORT ONLINE / IOL (emphasis by SDLAW*)

Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. is a law firm in Cape Town of specialised divorce lawyers and family law attorneys, offering highly personalised divorce and family attorney services in Cape Town.

Further reading:

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Divorce rate – going up or down?

Posted on Apr 26, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Statistics don’t tell the whole story, but they raise some interesting questions

Some interesting statistics have recently been released in the UK. According to an article in The Guardian, divorce rates amongst heterosexual couples are at their lowest since 1973. But is this evidence of marriages getting stronger and lasting longer? Or just proof that fewer couples are opting for the traditional walk down the aisle?

Lies, damn lies, and statistics

Statistics can be misleading, particularly when they show an aggregated rate. It is important to understand the trends and behaviours behind the statistics before drawing any conclusions. While the overall rate of divorce among opposite-sex couples is down (in the UK), so is the number of marriages over the same period. Without conducting a sophisticated statistical analysis, it’s hard to know if the proportion of divorce is down, relative to number of marriages, or if it is simply the actual number of divorces that has decreased, which would make sense in the context of fewer unions being sanctified.

One explanation for the decline in marriages could be a preference for cohabitation over traditional marriage, a trend that is more common amongst younger people. Interestingly, divorce rates in the UK in 2017 increased for men aged 45 years and over and for women aged 50 years and over, compared with 2015. These are the couples who married longer ago, when marriage was still the social norm for a couple in love. Now, as they age and perhaps see their children grow up and leave home, they are discovering their marriages are no longer fulfilling.

Same-sex divorce rate

It appears curious that the number of same-sex divorces in the UK tripled in 2017, compared to 2016. On closer examination this is entirely logical. Same-sex divorce has only been permitted for a very short period of time. As those marriages move past the honeymoon period, it is inevitable that some will break down. The total number of same-sex marriages is also tiny relative to heterosexual marriages, so the figures can appear distorted. It doesn’t take many divorces to cause the rate to triple. It will take some time before the statistics start to normalise and have any meaning.

Meanwhile, closer to home

In the South African context, divorce is on the increase, even while marriage is on the decrease, according to Stats SA. This makes sense. The majority of South African divorces are initiated by women, who have only recently begun to gain sufficient economic power and social agency to leave unhappy or abusive marriages. It is quite possible the divorce rate will continue to rise for a while before hitting a plateau and following the UK trend, as South African women collectively grow less financially dependent on their husbands and choose an alternative to a loveless marriage.

Civil union

Trends in the UK and Europe tend to emerge here fairly rapidly. However, sometimes South Africa is a trend-setter. The UK’s Supreme Court decided as recently as 27 June to legalise civil partnerships for heterosexual couples (previously only available for same-sex couples). Civil partnership between same-sex couples represented a legislative compromise with the religious bodies who were opposed to so-called “gay marriage”, but when same-sex marriage was legalised in 2014, the civil partnership statute was not removed, giving same-sex couples two legal partnership options, whereas heterosexual couples could only marry. This decision means that all couples, regardless of their gender composition, now have the same rights.

The situation varies around the world. Some jurisdictions removed civil unions from the statute books when same-sex marriage was legalised. Others recognise both, sometimes with minor differences. Here in South Africa, same-sex and opposite-sex couples can register their relationships as either marriages or civil partnerships, with no legal difference.

Divorce rate: on the increase

According to StatsSA, from 2013 to 2014 the registration of civil and customary marriages dropped by 4.9% and 12.5% respectively, but civil unions increased by 15.2%. It would seem that civil union offers an alternative to marriage for those who reject the traditional values of marriage – with its links to property and the subjugation of women – while still providing a legal framework for the relationship.

Cohabitation

We’ve written about cohabitation and civil union before, and about the legalities surrounding dissolving them. It is very difficult to find statistics on cohabiting couples and rates of longevity or break-up, because, by the very “unofficial” nature of cohabitation, the data is simply not available. Furthermore, cohabitation can take different forms. Many couples live together before getting married. Some cohabit temporarily, that is they have no intention of making a permanent commitment to each other, and when the relationship ends it is not so much a tragedy as a natural evolution.

Ultimately, the type of relationship that is right for a couple is a personal choice. There are advantages and disadvantages in every scenario and each twosome must weigh up its own priorities and values in making the decision.

Breaking up is hard to do

It is said that “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”. When it comes to relationship breakdown, it might be true to say instead that all happy relationships are different, but each relationship failure brings the same pain. This is an over-simplification, but whether a relationship is governed by the laws of marriage, civil union, or a cohabitation agreement, or nothing, breaking up is painful. You can mitigate some of the pain by having an antenuptial or cohabitation agreement in place.

Contact us for more information

If you are thinking about formalising your relationship, whether through marriage, civil union, or cohabitation, make sure you understand the legal consequences of each structure and how they will affect you. Cape Town Attorneys Simon Dippenaar and Associates Inc. are Cape Town divorce attorneys (now ion Gauteng and Kwazulu Natal) and are experts in family law, including cohabitation. We’ll explain your rights and responsibilities and make sure your interests are protected. Contact Simon on +27 (0) 86 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

Further reading:

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Cohabitation – What is it?

Posted on Apr 25, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

Cohabitation vs. marriage – the legal differences

As featured on FIN24

For various reasons, marriage is not for everyone. Some prefer not to marry as a matter of principle; some can’t marry (for example if one party is waiting for a divorce to come through). Others want to live together prior to marriage, to road-test their compatibility. Whatever the motive, the status of cohabitation is generally socially acceptable in South Africa and we often hear the term ‘life partners’ used for committed, cohabitative relationships where there is no marriage.

However, in South Africa there is no ‘law of cohabitation’ and cohabitation is not a recognised legal relationship. Notwithstanding, there are legal consequences of cohabitation and some legislation defines ‘spouse’ in such a way that includes a partner in a cohabitative relationship.

What is cohabitation?

Cohabitation refers to a stable, monogamous relationship in which the couple, either male-female or same-sex, chooses not to marry but to live together as spouses. Familiar terms for cohabitation include living together, shacking up, de facto marriage, quasi-marriage, common-law marriage, domestic partnership or private marriage. A cohabitative relationship looks to the observer exactly like a marriage. The only distinguishing feature is the lack of legal sanction.

Cohabitation is defined differently in different legal systems, but there are three universal components: a sexual relationship between the couple, a factual cohabitative relationship (i.e. they live in the same home), and stability of the relationship. There may also be a requirement for a sense of responsibility for each other.

Common-law marriage – quashing the myth

Many people believe that if a couple cohabitates for a long period of time, the same marital rights apply that spouses in a marriage enjoy…that a ‘common-law’ marriage exists. This misconception exists in many jurisdictions but it is just that – a misconception. There is no such thing as common-law marriage.

Universal partnership

Despite the lack of legal status, the South African courts have ruled that there may be an express or implied universal partnership proper (societas universorum bonorum) in existence between a cohabiting couple. In a universal partnership both parties agree to put their current and future property in common, which would resemble a marriage in community of property.

Universal partnerships must satisfy four legal requirements:

The aim of the partnership must be to make a profit
Both parties must contribute to the enterprise
The partnership must operate for the benefit of both parties
The contract between the parties must be legitimate

The universal partnership argument can be used to give both parties a share in all property acquired during (and before) the commencement of the relationship. However, if a universal partnership cannot be proven, the private property owned by the cohabitees prior to cohabitation belongs to the partners separately and there is no community of property. Property acquired before the relationship is also exempt from any consequences of the Insolvency Act.

Cohabitation agreement

Proving the existence of a universal partnership on separation can add to the stress that already accompanies the end of a relationship. It is much more sensible for a cohabiting couple to draw up a cohabitation agreement at the outset of the living arrangement. A cohabitation agreement is a relatively simple contract that includes details of a couple’s assets, property and the financial contributions each partner makes to the joint home. It is valid when ratified by an appointed lawyer.

And that’s not all

There are many other issues cohabitative couples must contend with, should they decide to call it a day. There will be a home and associated mortgage or tenancy and decisions to be made about what happens to it, with the accompanying financial consequences. There may be children of the union. There could be shared debts. There may be insurance policies with both partner as beneficiaries, or a shared vehicle. A cohabitation agreement can help to mitigate conflict when it comes to deciding how these matters will be resolved.

If the worst happens

A will is often the last thing on the mind when a couple is caught up in the excitement of moving in together. But it’s an important consideration, particularly a few years down the line when there are children and/or shared property involved. Cohabiting partners have no automatic legal right to inherit from the other, as per the Intestate Succession Act, and no right to spousal maintenance on death, as provided for by the Maintenance of Surviving Spouses Act. If you want to be sure of looking after each other in the event of one or other’s death, it is important to make a will.

Free Cohabitation Agreement

Download our free Cohabitation Agreement

Contact us for more information

If you are about to move in with your partner and would like to draw up a cohabitation agreement and/or a will, or if you need help with the dissolution of a cohabitative relationship, call Simon today. Cape Town Family Attorneys Simon Dippenaar and Associates Inc. are experts in family law, including cohabitation. We’ll explain your rights and responsibilities and make sure your interests are protected. Contact Simon on +27 (0) 86 099 5146 or email contact us.

Source: SDLAW

Further reading:

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Rise of the Pet-nup: I’m taking the dog!

Posted on Apr 22, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

London – The biggest bone of contention in a quarter of all divorces is the family pet, according to a report.

Posted in Pets in Divorce | Tagged Animals, Cat, Dog, Pet custody, Pets | Comments Off

Parental Alienation

Posted on Apr 18, 2019 by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

What is it and how can it be prevented?

As featured on All4Women

Parental alienation is a sad by-product of divorce or other breakdown between parents. Unfortunately, it is usually the result of deliberate sabotage by one parent against the other. It is very rarely an organic response by the child, provided there is no physical or emotional abuse present. According to clinical psychologist, Dr Marilé Viljoen, “Parental alienation is a set of processes and behaviours conducted and enacted by a parent to deliberately and knowingly damage or sever the relationship between a child and another parent with whom the child enjoyed a prior loving relationship.” A child may express “disapproval and even hatred toward a parent they loved and respected before the separation or divorce”.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

Strictly speaking, there is a distinction between Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and simple parental alienation. However, the difference is one of degree. For the purposes of understanding the concept, we will use the term ‘parental alienation’ to refer to all types of alienation between a parent and child in the context of separating parents.

Estrangement vs. parental alienation

It is important to differentiate between estrangement and alienation. While estrangement is sad and all too common, it does not arise from the same vindictive motives as parental alienation. Estrangement refers to the breakdown of the relationship between a parent and child, which may come about because of the parent’s:

Poor treatment of the child
Abuse or neglect of the child
Poor parenting behaviour
Low insight into parenting behaviour
Inability to understand the child’s world or to place themselves in the child’s shoes
The struggle to take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviour

Some of these factors can be blamed on the parent; some are unconscious behaviours. None is driven by the other parent, as is the case with parental alienation.

Pre-divorce

Although we talk about parental alienation as a consequence of divorce, the roots of it can often be found in the family dynamics before the marriage ends. It can be argued that the dying days of a relationship, when the couple still inhabits a common home, can be more damaging to a child than the divorce itself. Where children are used as emotional bargaining tools they are often manipulated into a situation where they side with one parent or the other. When the relationship between the parents is resolved, even via divorce, children are often relieved of the triangulation and harmonious relations with both parents can be restored.

What does parental alienation look like?

Parental alienation can mild, moderate or severe. At its most extreme it can include irrational fears and paranoia. Whatever the degree of parental alienation, it is usually characterised by some or all of the following:

Denigration and hatred of the targeted parent. The child cannot recall or denies any positive past experiences and wants no contact with the once-loved parent. This rejection can happen very suddenly.
Weak or ridiculous rationalisation for intense hostility. If the child is asked the reason for rejection, the explanation often seems innocuous, the behaviour out of proportion to the motive for it.
Lack of usual ambivalence about the targeted parent. In other words, children with healthy parental relationships normally display mixed feelings towards their parents. With parental alienation, one parent is perfect and the other is irrevocably flawed.
Assertion by an adamant child that the decision to reject the other parent is theirs alone, despite the obvious influence of one parent on the child’s thinking.
Reflexive support of the favoured parent in the conflict. This means that the alienated parent has no ability to influence the child at all. The child will blindly support the favoured parent.
Lack of guilt over the treatment of the alienated parent. The child may be rude, ungrateful, spiteful and cold toward the alienated parent and displays no empathy at all.
Use of borrowed scenarios and phrases from the alienating parent. The child may make accusations that are beyond their understanding or level of literacy.
The mistreatment of the alienated parent may extend to rejection of the extended family or even friends of that parent.

The impact of parental alienation on the divorce process

Statistics from the UK cite parental alienation as the main factor in approximately 80% of the most difficult cases that come before the family courts. Here in South Africa, these cases are the most challenging for family lawyers to deal with.

Parental alienation is no less than child abuse. According to Anthony Douglas, CEO of the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service in the UK (Cafcass), the deliberate manipulation of a child by one parent against the other is a common feature of family breakdowns and should be treated as neglect or abuse and not accepted as an inevitable consequence of divorce.

Are you the victim of parental alienation?

Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. is an established Cape Town law firm with extensive expertise in divorce and family law. If you are alienated from your child as a result of an acrimonious divorce, we can help you draw up a parenting plan that will gradually and sensitively enable you to restore your relationship with your child. We can arrange for the services of a mediator or child psychologist if required. We know that a child cannot be forced to revive love for a parent when love and respect have been undermined. It is a slow and delicate process. But we can work towards a form of reconciliation with the other parent that will hopefully remove the alienating influence.

Cape Town Divorce Attorneys, Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. has a reputation for empathy and professionalism, with a personal touch. We will listen to you and help you find a solution that is in the best interests of all parties – most importantly the child.

Call Simon on 086 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

Read what satisfied clients have to say about Simon Dippenaar & Associates, Inc.

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